Dave Whelan speaks! And no, not about that. Or that!
NOT A SINGLE MENTION OF NINETEEN SIXTY WHEN
The 1960 FA Cup final between Wolverhampton Wanderers and Blackburn Rovers was described in Ye Olde Bigge Paper as "one of the quietest, most apathetic FA Cup finals Wembley has known". In an attempt to counterbalance this, Blackburn left-back Dave Whelan has subsequently droned on, at considerable length and volume, over a 55-year period, at regular five-minute intervals, in the blowhard style, about the broken leg he suffered in that dreadful game, which ended 3-0 to Wolves and would otherwise have been completely forgotten. So thanks to Dave for constantly reminding us of that one.
This exceptionally quiet/ear-splittingly loud dynamic would go on to influence bands such as Pixies and Nirvana. But that wouldn't be Whelan's only contribution to world culture! He also earned many millions of pounds by building up the JJB Tat Emporium chain, and subsequently invested some of them in Wigan Athletic, a club which under his ownership rose from the fourth tier to the top flight, a fairytale story ending in an FA Cup win. And relegation. And probably another relegation, with Whelan having just completed a six-week ban for indulging in 1930s-style patter, and his current manager awaiting the outcome of a racism, sexism, antisemitism and homophobia charge. Probably a good time to be getting off, all told.
"I've been in the game for 61 years since signing professional forms for Blackburn Rovers," began Whelan today. But as the world prepared for the usual clunking segue into a six-hour monologue about Norman Deeley, Whelan wrongfooted us all by announcing: "But there comes a time when it's time to retire. You lose your memory, your judgment is not the same, you forget the players' names. I never used to do things like that. I think the time has come for me to step down."
And so chairman Whelan will be handing the reins to 23-year-old grandson David Sharpe, who recently lost grandpops £1.3m in doomed water-burning restaurant venture Sharpy's Fish & Chips. Not a perfect business record by any means, though that financial hit, while severe, is still £700,000 lighter than the sum Wigan wasted on Jason Scotland during Whelan's reign. And watching Scotland clank around aimlessly wasn't half as much fun as witnessing chefs covering themselves head-to-toe in flour, slipping around in pools of batter, and trying to extinguish their flaming hats by slapping each other over the head with wet hake. So let's give the lad a chance.
Whelan then went on to express what was clearly genuine sorrow and contrition over his recent daft utterances, so fair's fair, he deserves the benefit of the doubt too. And in an exclusive Sky Sports interview lasting three minutes and 38 seconds,
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